Blogged!

"If you wanted to find the most unpopular, weirdest, weakest kid at my school then you had to look no further than me. As I was usually beating him up and stealing his dinner money. "

I spend a lot of my time obsessed with my past and I thought it was a good idea to start a blog. It would help my hunger for precise dating of my life. I have an uncanny memory for things. I always associate a minor event with something major that happened around the same time. For example, I always remember the date that I ended up in hospital for eating too much hash and tripping off my nuts. It was 23rd May 2001. Now, I can remember this as I was due to go to my Brother's flat in Uxbridge that weekend. I was supposed to go down on the Thursday, but due to the previous nights drug hell, I had to go on the Friday. So, why do I remember the date of this 'holiday' to Uxbridge? It's quite simple. I'd started a new job the month before and these were the first days off I'd had from it. You see. No wonder it sticks in my mind.

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I drank some Red Bordeaux last night that I got for Christmas. It was very nice, but I can't help thinking that I should spend an obscene amount of money (Around £100) on a superb bottle of wine. I'm told it's like having an orchestra unfold in your mouth. Although, somewhat more comfortable I hope. I, for one, do not want a string section anywhere near my epiglottis. Or my postcode, for that matter.

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I'm the member of a lottery syndicate at work, but just recently I've begun to wonder whether I should leave it. I've been thinking about what would happen if I got enough money so that I never had to work. I decided that the most likely outcome would be that I become an alcoholic. It must be quite an easy trap to fall into. I expect that I'd get up, take refuge in the bathroom with an array of Molton Brown products, have breakfast, check the internet and then it would be lunchtime. I'd have something hearty, perhaps porterhouse steak and vegetables, then I would think "What would go nice with this? A dinner guest? No, a nice glass of Pinot Noir". Well, I think I'd want a Pinot Noir. I've never actually drunk any. Anyway, the bottle would be opened and I'd have a few glasses and then watch a film. A few more glasses later and I'd have finished the bottle. You must understand that if I drink a pint of beer every day for more than 3 days in a row, I feel that I am somewhat of a bum. Without work we are rather stranded. I imagine that's why so many unemployed people turn to drink. It's not simply because they're depressed. It's quite the opposite. They've got the luxury of no responsibilities. Maybe I'll leave the syndicate and maybe I'll invest in a wine rack.

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In late 2001 my mate Sam had a girlfriend called Laura. She used to do whatever he said, so I came up with the following gem of a joke:

Q. How many Sam's does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. None. He just gets Laura to do it.

I doubt anyone outside of my social circle circa 2001 finds that funny. Least of all, Laura. Perhaps you can appropriate if for one of your friends. Let me know how you get on.