Cats and Sleep

"I did a dot to dot puzzle for the first time today. It was as easy as 1,2,3"

I awoke at 5.50am to find myself 42 miles from home and 40 miles from work. Luckily, I had been at my girlfriend's over the weekend and she just happens to live 42 miles from my home and 40 miles from my work.

It’s scary thinking about what could happen whilst you're asleep. You could end up anywhere. Luckily I don’t sleepwalk, but perhaps I should stop sleeping in the nude. Just in case.

I always manage to get to work on time when travelling from my girlfriends. Usually with several minutes to spare. Yet, when I'm travelling from home, I struggle to get in on time. I think that it's a simple case of complacency. With only 2 miles to travel from home, I can be a bit lazy and lie in bed for longer. I also use the bath as an extension of 'lying in'. I can lie there for a good half hour without moving. I cannot be this lazy at my girlfriend's as she has a shower.

The whole experience has taught me something important - Man works to a much higher standard when faced with obstacles. Also, my petrol bill is getting alarmingly high.

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My girlfriend's cats are retarded. One of them is called Angel and is the feline equivalent of a dumb blonde - desperate for attention and dribbles on you. The other is called Muffy and is the feline equivalent of Phil Spector - A sociopath. I hope you didn't think that I was insinuating that a cat had been responsible for the 'wall of sound' production technique.

Anyway, Angel is an irritating cat, but does enjoy being stroked and offers some sort of companionship. Muffy, on the other hand, only comes to you once a fortnight and then only to lick your nose. Despite this, I have been trying hard to win Muffy's friendship. I would see it as some sort of social success; it would also reduce the amount of dribble stains I have to endure. However, the constant rebuttals from 'that' cat have proved too much and I have given up on it.

To prove that things would never be the same between us again, I took some action last night. Muffy was sat, with her back to me naturally, when I took a tin of catfood from out of the cupboard. Her ears pricked up at this, so I placed the can in front of her. She sniffed at it a bit and then looked at me, hoping that I would open it.

It was then that I struck!

I took a tin opener out of the drawer and placed it in front of the cat. I shouted "EAT BITCH!" and then left the room.

I had won!

I awoke this morning to find my favourite jumper peppered with claw shaped holes.

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Someone said to me yesterday that writing a blog is a lot like joining a gym; I think he's right. At first the enthusiasm is there, but slowly it dies away. I'll have to wait and see if I keep this up. A blog does, however, have one advantage over a gym. Before and after writing my blog, I do not have to take my clothes off in front of other undressed men.